Rewriting to make it louder and funnier

Oft when on my couch I lie, in vacant or in pensive mood, funny lines come to me just as beautiful lines came to Mr. Wordsworth. But sometimes I have to slave like a ... slave. Perspiration when there's no inspiration.

There are many kinds of humour. Ideal if one can use as many in a short story or a novel that's supposed to be funny. There's slapstick, situation comedy, puns, silly dialogue, funny speech styles, the oxymoron, exaggeration, peculiar narrative style, misquoted quotes, altered clichés, howlers, paraprosdokians and many more that I don't recollect offhand.

Take a look at this:

That was an unexpected but powerful punch. Somasundaram’s boss fell to the ground, unconscious. After a minute, Somasundaram regretted his act. He turned to his fiancée for sympathy.
“You fool! How could you?” That was what he got instead of sympathy.

Somasundaram had just punched his boss in the face 'cause the boss kissed his fiancée, and now is at a loss. Kissed Somasundaram's fiancée, not the boss's, said boss being older, balder and married.

That was an unexpected but powerful punch. This can become, with a natural cliche and an unnatural quote from Shakepeare's Julius Caesar :


Coming as it were, quite out of the blue, one might say, that was the most unkindest uppercut of them all.

Great Shakes himself, come to think of it, wasn't above employing double superlatives. Should have pointed that out to my English Miss, back in my ninth standard, when she marked my 'all the more better' with a 'double comparative,' in red ink.
By the way, we put in phrases like one might say to add strength to the narrative style, and hear the narrator's voice better. This will not elicit smiles of approval from the intelligentsia, but who cares? We don't write for them; we write to make ordinary people like us laugh.

Somasundaram’s boss fell to the ground, unconscious.
This line can benefit by some imagery. And some people find it funny when you compare a middle-aged, bald man to a cherub. And please note the unsaid simile, 'sleep like a baby.'
 The Red Man fell with a thud that rattled the glasses on the table. His eyes were closed, as if in sleep, and strangely, there was a cherubic smile on his rosy face, as though he was having sweet dreams. 

Sweet dreams is a trite expression, but seems to work here, so let's use it.  It strengthens cherubic and rosy, too.

After a minute, Somasundaram regretted his act. He turned to his fiancée for sympathy.

The trite time for more expressions. And time to stress Somasundaram's stupidity. Let's use his stupid nickname, 'Soda,' and make him look more stupid. Regret is best shown in some action, so we make him wring his hands. Sweet reminds me of sweet nothings, so let's have him mutter feeble words.

Reason returned to Soda’s thick head. He wrung his hands and muttered regretful nothings.

There! Neat! Next line please:
He turned to his fiancée for sympathy.

This is a good line and needs no improvement. And having fiancée and sympathy, it's lyrical! You can sing it! But we are in tampering mood, so let's tamper. Making sure we retain the sounds, though. Assonance, I think they call it.


He turned to his better-half-to-be for sympathy but did not get any.

He, be, sympathy and any. Good going!  Now we come to the grand finish of the scene.


“You fool! How could you?” That was what he got instead of sympathy.

Not grand at all. Not powerful enough. The funniest yeller I have ever seen in a book is Captain Haddock of Tintin fame. Do let's borrow from that feller. Get inspired, not actually copy. And let's also give him credit. That's also clever, because, with some readers, Captain Haddock means 'funny.'

This is our grand total:

Coming as it were, quite out of the blue, one might say, that was the most unkindest uppercut of them all. The Red Man fell with a thud that rattled the glasses on the table. His eyes were closed, as if in sleep, and strangely, there was a cherubic smile on his rosy face, as though he was having sweet dreams. Reason returned to Soda’s thick head. He wrung his hands and muttered regretful nothings. He turned to his better-half-to-be for sympathy but did not get any.

“You brutal barbarian! Psychotic somnambulist! Senseless sauropod!” That was what he got instead. Shakes seemed to have taken lessons from Captain Haddock.

“Rabid Punchinello! Dunderheaded Dipsomaniac!” 

Now you know much work goes into a small part of a scene.  This is from Chapter 8 of my Lemon Salt Soda. Do read when you have the time. The language may not be perfect, but it will make you laugh. The story, I mean, not the language. Click here to buy book 1.